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28 August 2007 @ 07:19 pm
Red Dwarf/Doctor Who Crossover Part 4/4  
Well, here we are folks, the final part of my Red Dwarf and Doctor Who crossover. I had intended it to be longer, but it's come to a natural conclusion so this is the last part. 

Disclaimer: I have absolutely no claim over either the Doctor or Red Dwarf, they belong to Aunty Beeb and Grant Naylor and whoever else actually owns them. I just continue to fiddle with them, but I’ll give them back good as new when I’m done. This is done purely for love and fun.

Here is Part IV and links to the first three chapters:

Light Years I
Light Years II
Light Years III

 
Light Years IV
 
Lister and the Doctor stepped out of the airlock and pushed off in the direction of the Estrophan, a length of cable attached to each that tethered them to Red Dwarf. Kryten had stayed behind to monitor their oxygen levels and alert them to any problems. The Cat didn’t want to don a spacesuit because he didn’t want to be seen in the same outfit twice. Rimmer was just being a coward.
 
They landed on the surface of the creature close to its head, and the Doctor removed his helmet. “What are you doing!” yelled Lister.
 
“It’s okay, we’re within the atmospheric bubble of the Estrophan, it’s the same as Earth’s atmosphere, it’s perfectly safe.” The Doctor replied with a grin. Lister looked sceptical but, trusting the Doctor, he cautiously removed his helmet and breathed in.
 
“Smeggin’ ‘ell! It is just like Earth, it even smells like Earth.”
 
“Ah, yes, that would be all the methane. Right, come on, let’s go and have a chat with the old Space Rider shall we?” with that, the Doctor set off as quickly as he could in low gravity, Lister following behind.
 
Back on the Dwarf, Rimmer was supervising Cat and the Skutters in the repair of the ship. At least he would if he wasn’t trying to quell a small mutiny. It had started with the Cat.
 
“Hey man, we’ve been through this before; I don’t do the ‘W’ word, okay? Besides, I might get oil on my suit.”
 
“But we have to repair the ship you stupid moggy. I can’t do it, I can’t touch anything. Kryten and Lister are busy so that only leaves you and the Skutters. And I wouldn’t trust Pinky and Perky to repair a calculator, let alone the sophisticated circuitry of this ship.” Rimmer whined. The Skutters took offence to this and turned the three claws on their heads in a very well-practiced two fingered salute before whirring off down the corridor. “Smegging great. Now look what you did you narcissistic, selfish, lazy coward!” Rimmer shouted at Cat.
 
“You just listed my best qualities bud!” Cat replied, preening, “Listen goalpost head, I’m not taking orders from a man whose clothes are drip dry. You know what I’m saying?” And with that, Cat gave Rimmer a snooty look and mooched off down the corridor.
 
“I never get the respect I deserve. Holly!” Rimmer snapped. Holly’s face appeared on a nearby monitor, “Get the Skutters back here to make the repairs.” Rimmer said before turning and stomping back to his quarters.
 
“You could try please.” Holly muttered.
 
Lister watched as the Doctor laid his hands on the head of the Space Rider and communicated with it telepathically. The minutes ticked on and eventually Lister began to grow impatient.
“Well? What’s it saying?” he asked the Doctor.
 
“Sorry, it hasn’t actually finished a first sentence yet. When a creature is as big and as old as an Estrophan, it takes a long time to say or do anything.” The Doctor replied.
 
“Like the Ents.” Lister said.
 
“You’ve read Lord of the Rings?” the Doctor asked, a little surprised.
 
“There’s a book? I love those movies.” Lister replied happily. The Doctor chuckled before returning his attention to the creature beneath his feet.
 
“I’ve introduced us and calmed the Rider. I told her we mean no harm and that we want to help her. She says she is hurting, not just on her fin though,” the Doctor paused a moment before turning to Lister, “She’s dying.”
 
“Smeg. Was it us? Was it something we did?” Lister asked, concerned.
 
“No, she’s ill. It’s really a simple cold, but with no humans to help her she’s got worse. She needs to be treated or she’ll die. And that will be the end of her species. She’s the last Space Rider.”
 
“The last? Isn’t there something we can do?”
 
“Maybe. Yes! Yes, hang on a second,” the Doctor turned his attention to the Space Rider again for a few minutes, “Right, I’ve told her what we’re going to do, let’s get back to the ship,” he said, putting on his helmet. Lister followed suit.
 
“But what are we gonna do Doctor?” Lister asked.
 
“You’ll see! Come on!” he replied and pushed off back toward the Dwarf.
 
With the Estrophan now being cooperative it became easy for Holly to manoeuvre the ship and release her without doing any more damage. The Doctor shut himself in the medical lab with all the supplies he could find and for twenty minutes all that could be heard in there was banging and crashing and bubbling sounds. He emerged triumphantly holding a small vial of green goo.
 
“You’re going to cure it with washing up liquid?” Rimmer sneered.
 
“One injection of this, and she’ll be right as rain. I just invented the cure for the common cold,” the Doctor replied smugly.
 
“How do you intend to inject it sir? Its skin must be several feet thick.” Kryten observed.
 
“Not a problem Kryten! I have something in the TARDIS that will do just the job.” With that the Doctor disappeared down the corridor at a run. By the time the crew caught up with him, he was already emerging from his blue box, again holding something aloft triumphantly.
“A sink plunger?” Rimmer queried sceptically.
 
“Not quite. I acquired this from an old enemy, a souvenir I suppose. With a bit of modification it should deliver the dose quite nicely,” the Doctor replied, ignoring the sarcasm and whipping out his Sonic Screwdriver.
 
Rimmer snorted. The awe and respect he had for the Doctor had vanished once he realised that he was rather in-alien and quite possibly bonkers.
 
“And what’s that? A magic sex-toy?” he asked. The Doctor looked at him and then the Screwdriver.
 
“It’s a Sonic Screwdriver. See, it’s a screwdriver and it’s sonic,” he replied defensively, pushing a button so a little blue light glowed on the end. Then he began to make his alterations.
 
“He’s crazy bud. I’m gonna find me some food.” Cat said, before dancing off down the corridor singing “I’m gonna eat you little fishy.”
 
“This is ridiculous. Come on Kryten, somebody has to finish the repairs to the ship, make sure that the Skutters haven’t tried to blow us up again.” Rimmer said and headed after the Cat. After a few steps he realised Kryten wasn’t following, “Kryten! I order you to come with me in accordance with Space Corps Directive number 8650322 stroke E.”
 
“8650322 stroke E? Well I hardly think now is the appropriate time for that sir, and besides we don’t have the requisite number of gerbils on board.” Kryten replied, in puzzled mode.
 
“Never mind! Come on!” Rimmer barked before stalking off down the corridor.
 
“Smeeeeee-heeeeeee.” Kryten stammered before following.
 
The Doctor finished his alterations and affixed the new needle to a hypospray and loaded the vial into it.
 
“Right, back to Starbug.” He said with a grin and bounded of down the corridor. Lister chased after him.
 
“Smeg, doesn’t he ever stop? This is the most exercise I’ve had in years!” Lister said, puffing.
 
With the Estrophan no longer afraid of Starbug, Lister was able to land on the Space Rider’s back. The Doctor got out and used his makeshift syringe. He then grabbed a pile of rope he had gathered from the stores and, using a harpoon he had found, he and Lister began to stitch closed the gigantic gash Red Dwarf had created. It took the pair of them three hours, taking it in turns to push the harpoon through the thick hide and throw it across the chasm of the wound to the other side, where the other would repeat the process. Eventually, exhausted, the pulled the stitches tight, drawing the wound closed.
 
The Doctor pressed his hand to the Estrophan once more as Lister ran the medi-scan over the massive creature.
 
“This isn’t the most reliable instrument in the world Doctor, but I think your cure worked.” Lister said with a smile.
 
“Yup, I knew it would. She says thank you.” The Doctor said, returning the smile with a wider one.
 
They went back to Starbug and took off, heading back to the Dwarf. Before they reached the hangar, Lister turned the ship to look at the Estrophan once more.
 
“She’s amazing.” Lister murmured.
 
“That she is. You humans do get some things right.” The Doctor said with a grin.
 
“She’ll keep following us won’t she? I mean, we’re the only food source left to her. I’ll watch over her. It’s my responsibility.” Lister said softly. The Doctor laid a reassuring arm on his shoulder.
 
 
Later that day, the Doctor found the Cat mooching about the cargo decks.
 
“Cat, I wanted to talk to you. Lister explained to me about your people, that you think you’re the last one left?” the Doctor asked. Cat nodded.
 
“That’s okay, I like being by myself. I’m too cool for everybody else.”
 
“Well if that’s the way you feel, you won’t want to know about the cat nurses of New New York.”
 
“Wha?!” screeched Cat. “Nurses? Females? As in soft and squidgy?” Cat said, practically pouncing on the Doctor.
 
“Yup, a whole colony of them, and not a male to be seen,” the Doctor grinned. “You should reach them in a few years.”
 
“All my life I’ve waited for the dozen or so females I could settle down with! A few years? How will I get ready in time! Wah!” Cat said and bolted toward his walk-in wardrobe. Lister stepped out from behind a pillar and he and the Doctor headed back toward the TARDIS.
 
“Do you think I should tell him they’re nuns?” Lister asked.
 
“Nah. Why snatch his hope away?” the Doctor replied with a grin. As they entered the corridor where the TARDIS was parked, they saw Kryten and Rimmer. “Arnold! Just the hologram I was looking for! I wanted to tell you that there are plenty more aliens out there to be discovered. Whole galaxies full! And they don’t all look human, oh no. Some of them are weee-ird.”
 
Rimmer positively bounced at this information.
 
“I knew it!” he said and punched the air. Then he gave the Doctor another Rimmer salute, which the Doctor returned with due solemnity. Holly then appeared on a nearby monitor.
 
“The Estrophan is moving off.” Holly reported.
 
“Holly! I nearly forgot,” the Doctor said, pulling out his screwdriver and pointing it at the monitor. There was a brief flurry of static before Holly’s female visage resumed its place on the screen. “How do you feel?” the Doctor asked.
 
“Much better ta. And all my sensors are working. Er, though I seem to be missing a day.” Holly replied.
 
“Yeah, sorry Hol, it took a while to sort things out.” Lister replied. “What’s 245 times 657?” he asked. Holly looked thoughtful for a few moments.
 
“160968,” She replied.
 
“Close enough,” the Doctor replied with a smile. “It’s 160965,” he whispered conspiratorially to Lister, who nodded. “Well, it looks like my job here is done. Kryten, Arnold,” he said, nodding to Rimmer and shaking Kryten’s hand.
 
“Goodbye sir. There’s an apposite old android saying…”
 
“Ah, is that the one that goes zero, zero, one, one, one, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, zero, one?” the Doctor said.
 
“Precisely sir.” Kryten said and entered happy mode.
 
The Doctor turned and walked to the TARDIS door. Suddenly he turned back,
 
“You could come along Dave. This old thing travels in time too. We could go anywhere, and any when,” he said.
 
“Thanks, but no. I get the feeling I’d do too much running with you around. Besides, sooner or later I’d have to come back here, go back to being the only human left.” Lister said sadly. The Doctor regarded him for a moment before replying.
 
“Dave,” the Doctor said, “one fantastic thing about you humans that never ceases to amaze me is that you’re an incredibly resourceful lot. And the one thing you truly excel at is surviving. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll get back to Earth and what you’ll find might surprise you.”
 
With that he grinned and disappeared into the TARDIS. A few seconds later the engines began with a thworp thworp noise that echoed in the corridor and the TARDIS faded from view.

THE END
 
 
 
 
The other Weird Alaeron_lanart on August 28th, 2007 09:47 pm (UTC)
I've really enjoyed reading this, it's been great for bringing a smile to my face after a day in work.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on August 29th, 2007 06:16 pm (UTC)
Aw thanks *bounces*

I'll probably visit the Dwarf again one day. Just not in the immediate future - too many WIPs on the go!
magicamethyst80magicamethyst80 on September 11th, 2007 10:06 pm (UTC)
Really adorable, the whole cleaning solution/cure idea is very Doctor Who, Tenth Doctor in particular. I really can't see Nine and the Red Dwarf crew interacting.

Also this line is just hilarious

“You’ve read Lord of the Rings?” the Doctor asked, a little surprised.

“There’s a book? I love those movies.” Lister replied happily. The Doctor chuckled before returning his attention to the creature beneath his feet.



Also love the ending where Cat learns about the "Cat Nurses," of New New York.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on September 12th, 2007 06:00 pm (UTC)
No, Nine and the Dwarfers wouldn't work. I think I'd quite like to see what Five would make of them though. :D

I'm pleased you enjoyed, thank you for all your lovely feedback.
I'm a walking doodle: spacehoppermad_jaks on September 12th, 2007 07:55 am (UTC)
Honestly it's all so good I don't know what I liked most. It's been ages since I've seen a Red Dwarf but everyone was just how I remember them and what with their one liners and the Doctor's HEEHEE.
Cat won't care that they're nuns will he?
And you fixed Holly and the Estrophan.
*g*
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on September 12th, 2007 06:07 pm (UTC)
*bounces*

Thanks for your lovely feedback, I'm really pleased you enjoyed it.

You're right of course, it wouldn't make the slightest difference to Cat but it might to the nuns. :)
michael1812michael1812 on December 13th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
loved it. It's been a while since I read it, so nothing in particular springs to mind, but I just wanted to say I really liked it.
Ah yes, I skimmed it again and I came up with this:
I loved the way how you incorporated the cat nurses from New New New New New New (etcetera) York into the story, to cheer up Cat.
Very good work. Excellent characterization and very good humour (and I do suspect you have been copying jokes from the real Red Dwarf series...cause the comic timing is just fantastic (yes this is a compliment).

Anyway, I just wanted to say I loved it. :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on December 13th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you kindly. :)

I'm just glad that knowing every episode by heart finally had a good use *grin*
TheSummoningDark: epic flaily joythe_summoning_d on August 10th, 2008 12:49 pm (UTC)
Hee! I like this ^^ Fantastic
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on August 10th, 2008 07:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
deaka: doctor & donnadeaka on September 6th, 2008 04:55 am (UTC)
This series is a lot of fun - love the ending in particular. Aw, Rimmer gets his aliens. And the cat nurses for Cat, too. :D

Lovely job, great characterisations all around.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: flibbleidontlikegravy on September 6th, 2008 09:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much, glad you enjoyed it :)
(Anonymous) on January 3rd, 2009 05:47 pm (UTC)
Fantastic
Thank the smegging lord, that was great :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: flibbleidontlikegravy on January 3rd, 2009 06:40 pm (UTC)
Re: Fantastic
*bounces*

Thank you, whoever you are.
Claire: Janeway Coffeemashnut on January 11th, 2009 09:34 pm (UTC)
Nice one! Been a while since I enjoyed a fic as much as this! :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: cricketidontlikegravy on January 11th, 2009 09:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you, and might I add: ICON LOVE!
bugeyedmonsterbugeyedmonster on February 9th, 2009 03:35 am (UTC)
Loved that...