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21 January 2008 @ 01:07 am
Torchwood crack  
Do not read if you haven't seen Torchwood 2x1 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - SPOILERS

 So, here is the result of a bunny that wouldn't leave me alone. I have already declared elsewhere that 2008 is to be my cracktastic year, and this fic looks to be no different. Un-beta'd, so please any and all feedback as usual, especially as to whether I should write more or not.

Spiking Torchwood

Captain John Hart sat down on his chair and laughed. He laughed for twenty minutes, and if he didn’t already know he was completely psychotic then he might have worried for his sanity.
 
What cosmic irony, he thought, what a bloody brilliant joke. “Are you all having a good laugh?” he called out to the room.
 
No answer came, he was alone.
 
It was the 51st century, he was Captain John Hart, renegade Time Agent, and he was completely and utterly alone. He got up and made himself a drink.
 
“You aren’t seriously thinking of going back?” said a voice behind him.
 
“Oh bloody brilliant,” John muttered, and downed the whiskey.
 
“He won’t accept it, who you really are, what you really are.”
 
John turned and faced his taunter.
 
“So why are you here Angel? Powers That Be give you a pass to come and gloat?” he snarled.
 
“I’m not here. I was dusted centuries ago, remember? I’m just the part of you that doesn’t like yourself very much.”
 
“Oh, well in that case, piss off then,” he replied. The apparition vanished. “He’s right though; I can’t very well go up to him and say, ‘hey, guess what, I can’t die either cos I’m a vampire!’ That would go down really well,” Spike said to himself, pacing the floor.
 
He’d spent so long trying to blend in, so much money and effort. Spells to stop him becoming more physically demonic with the passage of time. Technology to make his heart beat again, and to be able to walk in daylight, so that he could fool the world he was human. Fool himself.
 
And he had fallen in love with Jack, a human, and he had done everything in his power to convince him that he was human too. But now he discovered that Jack was immortal too, and it was all he could do not to burst out laughing, there in the morgue.
 
If it wasn’t so fucking pathetic, it would be hilarious, he thought.
 
And now Captain Jack Harkness probably hated Captain John Hart, would probably keep his promise to kill him.
 
But then, unless he used a stake, he couldn’t actually kill him.
 
Maybe it was worth a shot.
 
 
 
Ith: Media - All My Jacksithildyn on January 21st, 2008 01:16 am (UTC)
I enjoyed that! Nice bit 'o crack :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: jamesidontlikegravy on January 21st, 2008 01:19 am (UTC)
Cheers :)

I dunno where my brain is at the moment, but it's a fairly twisted place! *g*
Sophiesophiedb on January 21st, 2008 10:08 am (UTC)
Seconded, and wow! Another Capt Jack for your list, Ith XD
But, I don't want to be a pie,: jamesidontlikegravy on January 21st, 2008 12:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)

Oh yeah, dur, I hadn't thought of that! *facepalm*
Ith: Media - All My Jacksithildyn on January 21st, 2008 11:13 pm (UTC)
Another Capt Jack for your list, Ith XD

LOL! Nope, not my list [pets list]. I'm afraid I'm one of those oddballs who isn't much of a Marsters or Spike fan [g] Yes, yes, I know!
Kay: spike -- i'm evil -- like a kittensilvercobwebs on January 21st, 2008 01:26 am (UTC)
Yay! Good crack!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: jamesidontlikegravy on January 21st, 2008 12:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you! *bounces*
she who is the teller of tales: spike - lonelyl_devil on January 21st, 2008 02:48 am (UTC)
Brilliant! (And should probably be canon...)

Also, if you don't write more of this cracktastic crack!fic, I will do something very horrible to you. Possibly something involving trashy romance novels from a certain author....*hinthint* :D
But, I don't want to be a pie,: slashtasticidontlikegravy on January 21st, 2008 12:21 pm (UTC)
*gigglesnort*

Okay, okay, anything but that! ;)

Glad you liked it, watch this space. :)
The other Weird Al: Cake or Death?aeron_lanart on January 21st, 2008 11:48 am (UTC)
Oh I love that. That is good crack! And you should go and look at this though you may have seen it already...
But, I don't want to be a pie,: slashtasticidontlikegravy on January 21st, 2008 12:20 pm (UTC)
No I hadn't seen it, thanks for pointing it out. I love it! :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: spiking torchwoodidontlikegravy on January 21st, 2008 05:11 pm (UTC)
You get a virtual snack of your choice for that one, cos I've had permission to snag and so I unveil this icon *fanfare*

May contain spoilers for future chapters....
The other Weird Al: Doctor Who - Turlough - b&waeron_lanart on January 21st, 2008 11:53 pm (UTC)
Nice icon :) Right now I fancy a bacon buttie, even if it is nearly midnight!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: seriouslyidontlikegravy on January 22nd, 2008 12:33 am (UTC)
Thanks, I think I'm beginning to get the hang of making them now. Only took nearly a year ;)

hey, when the buttie calls, you have to answer :)

Edited at 2008-01-22 12:34 am (UTC)
most excellently twistedfanbot on January 22nd, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
Ever so nifty, luv!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: spiking torchwoodidontlikegravy on January 22nd, 2008 06:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you, glad you approve :)
Ann: jack hatfrakkingrackles on January 22nd, 2008 06:43 am (UTC)
Very clever, I like it. You should definately write more.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: spiking torchwoodidontlikegravy on January 22nd, 2008 06:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you. There seems to be enough interest, so it seems more will indeed be forthcoming. :)