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11 August 2009 @ 10:09 am
Birthday Fic!  
Amandas birthday fic 2009

So, I offered amand_r a birthday fic, and in typical style received not one but five requests. As they are leaning heavily on the crack side I did my best to write all of them, so here are my Five Cracky Pieces (plus bonus special feature). Now, as most of you probably know, I’m crap at the NC-17 stuff, so I’m afraid even the pairings don’t get past the flirting stage, but I did my best. Hope you enjoy them hon, Happy Birthday.

Warning: SPOILERS for Children of Earth in parts three and six. Rated 15 for swearing. Oh and in case you haven't guessed, this is definitely on the crack-side *grin*.

Disclaimer: Not one little bit of it belongs to me, obviously, and that’s probably a good thing in this instance.

Jack Harkness/Faith

Jack came back to life with his customary intake of air and looked down to examine the large and rough hole in his chest that was rapidly healing, although not rapidly enough to prevent him seeing rather more of his insides than Jack ever wanted to see.

“Cool. When you didn’t go ‘poof’, I was seriously worried I’d made a mistake again,” said a distinctly female voice. Jack looked up to see the young woman, Faith, who Jack had thought was taking him back to her place when she had suddenly stabbed him in the chest. She was reaching into the belt of her leather pants to retrieve a rather vicious looking knife. Where exactly she found room for it in those pants was a thought best saved for later. Jack held his hands up in a placatory gesture.

“Hey, look, I’m the one who just got stabbed in the chest with…what was that?” Jack asked, tugging at the ragged hole in his shirt. “If this is your idea of foreplay, I have to say I’ve seen better,” he added and clambered to his feet, cautiously keeping an eye on Faith.

“Well, you’re not a vampire; that’s for sure. So what the hell are you?” she asked. Jack ignored the fact that she was answering a question with another question and digested the information in it.

So she thought he was a vampire? That must mean that she had driven a stake through his chest. Jack added that to the mental list of ways he’d died, it was certainly a novel one, up there with the javelin.

“I’m human,” Jack replied. Mostly, he added to himself.

“Bullshit. Humans can’t survive a stake through the heart,” Faith replied. Jack noted a brief flicker of emotion, as though Faith regretted those words, but her game face was back in place before Jack could blink.

Thinking about it, he realised that it would require more than human strength to drive a piece of wood into a person’s chest.

“You’re not exactly a poster child for normal yourself, darling,” Jack replied with some amusement. He took a step closer to her, smiling when he saw she was faintly nervous. Suddenly several pieces all fell into place. “You’re a Slayer!” he declared.

Faith was startled by this and Jack smiled even more in triumph at having so obviously rattled her.

“How do you…?”

“Worked with the Council to take out a bunch of vamps that were…war profiteering. Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood,” he answered. Faith looked unimpressed and Jack was disappointed to realise she’d never heard of him. He decided to switch tack. “I gotta say; you’re a hell of a lot easier on the eye than the Slayer I worked with back then.”

“What can I say? Strength, style, beauty, brains, I’m the full Slayer package,” Faith replied. Jack rewarded her with his second-most dazzling smile and she rewarded him in kind.

“I wouldn’t mind unwrapping that package,” Jack said. Inwardly he winced; he couldn’t believe he’d just said that out loud. Luckily a mix of his winning personality, dazzling smile, and 51st Century pheromones did the trick as, instead of rolling her eyes or staking him again, Faith stepped forward and kissed him.

She pinned his arms to his sides, making him gasp through the kiss and she pulled back smiling.

“That’ll be that Slayer strength then,” Jack said. Faith smiled at him.

“Mm-hmm. And I’m all kinds of bendy too.”


Oz and Ianto Jones.

When Ianto invited Oz back for coffee, he’d intended to take him to his flat. He had no idea how they ended up in the Hub, but it had seemed like a really good idea at the time.

A nagging little voice in the back of his head suggested that he was hoping to find Jack, to include him in a threesome. But that voice was clearly treacherous, as the thought of sex with Oz hadn’t even entered his mind up until that point. Now he was having trouble thinking of anything else, so he busied himself with the coffee machine.

The quiet American would make a perfect addition to Team Torchwood. He’d taken everything in his stride when they had run into Weevil trouble. In fact, he was almost too laconic and Ianto had the sudden and terrible thought that he’d just brought a complete stranger into the Hub who may be an alien. He was wishing Jack was there for a very different reason now.

Passing Oz a cup of coffee, he made a pretence of going to get biscuits, but instead turned on a monitor to view the internal scanners. He let out a small sigh of relief when it showed him that Oz was human. There was a slight blip in his DNA, but it was negligible and still terrestrial in origin. In fact, the monitor told him it was lupine so it was likely a malfunction.

At the sigh, Oz raised an eyebrow in Ianto’s direction.

“Someone’s eaten all the Hobnobs,” Ianto said in explanation and headed back to where Oz was seated. He sat beside him and offered him a chocolate digestive. “This is all we had. Sorry.”

There was a squawk from above and Myfanwy dropped down from her nesting place to investigate the chocolate smells. She sidled up to them and gently nudged Oz, who again took it all remarkably calmly.

“Sorry. She’s, well our pet I suppose. She likes chocolate,” Ianto said and tossed her a piece of his biscuit. She ate it and let out a cry of pleasure.

“Cool,” Oz said with a nod, and held out one tentative hand toward Myfanwy. When she didn’t bite it off at the wrist, he gently patted her head. She nuzzled into the touch and made a noise that sounded almost like a purr.

“She likes you,” Ianto pointed out with a smile. “She doesn’t get on with people, as a rule.”

“I have an affinity with animals,” Oz said with a wry smile.

Ianto was definitely impressed. He would have to speak to Jack in the morning. In the meanwhile, he could always Retcon Oz if Jack said no, so he asked,

“So, Oz. Are you looking for a job?”


Methos and Gwen cooper trapped in an elevator.

“Ugh. Perfect,” Methos muttered, jabbing the emergency call button repeatedly.

“Don’t worry, it’s practically a weekly occurrence. They’ll have us out in no time,” said the other occupant of the lift with a smile that was obviously intended to be reassuring.

Great, I’m stuck in a lift with a social worker. A pregnant social worker, no less,Methos thought. She was a reasonably attractive woman, brown hair and sparkling eyes, but married and heavily pregnant.

“Why don’t they replace the damn thing if it breaks down so often?” Methos asked, mostly to himself. The woman laughed, not unkindly.

“Because that would require the local Health Authority to actually reach into those deep pockets of theirs,” she replied, her thick Swansea accent adding emphasis to the sarcasm in her tone.

The corner of Methos’ lips quirked in amusement and he nodded in understanding. They didn’t talk for a few minutes, until the woman began to move her weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable.

“Please tell me you don’t need the bathroom,” Methos said with barely concealed horror.

“No! My legs are aching, is all. Would you mind helping me sit?” she asked. Methos nodded.

Grasping her firmly by the upper arms, he helped to gently lower her to the floor of the lift.


“As I could be on a lift floor,” she replied with a grin. She had a gap between her two front teeth that made the grin a little goofy and somehow warm and friendly too. “So, you visiting someone?”

“Work here. At least, I will next week. Just came in to sign some papers, and this bloody happens,” Methos explained before sliding down to the floor to sit next to his companion.

“I’m overdue. They want to perform a scan, check everything’s okay,” the woman told him, patting her bump affectionately.

They fell into silence again, Methos staring intently at the panel, willing the emergency light to stop flashing and the floor numbers to start moving again.

“Uh oh.”

“Uh oh?” Methos enquired, turning to look at the woman’s face.

“You don’t happen to be am obstetrician, do you?” she replied, her face blanching. Methos felt the colour drain from his as he got an inkling of the problem. “My waters just broke,” she added.

“I’m a neurosurgeon. But I had to deliver babies in training, I’m sure it will all come flooding back,” Methos said, hastily kneeling and moving so he had a better position to assess the situation. “This your first?”


“Then we’ll probably be long gone from here by the time junior actually makes an appearance, nothing to worry about. Now, if you don’t mind, I think I need to examine you, see where we are, is that okay?”

“One thing first,” she answered. Methos looked at her quizzically as the woman held out her hand. “Gwen Williams.” Methos chuckled and shook her hand.

“Doctor John Pierce, at your service Mrs. Williams,” he said.

“I think, given the circumstances, you can call me Gwen.”


The Doctor and Joe Dawson

“So, you’re a Watcher, not the Watcher. That’s something of a relief,” the Doctor said with a grin.

“And you’re not an Immortal,” Joe replied.

“Nope. I think I’m insulted by that,” the Doctor replied, frowning as he thought about it. Joe chuckled.

“Well, you can see why we thought it. Records of you appear throughout history, and there are plenty of photos and paintings. We watch Immortals, so we figured that’s what you were. Alien sure as hell never entered my mind,” he said. The Doctor smiled and nodded.

The Doctor perched himself on the edge of the stage and Joe picked up his guitar. He tuned her and then began playing, just improvising a 12-bar Blues. After a few bars he got a wicked grin on his face and then began to sing:

I’m always on the run,
I’ve got nowhere to go,
But I gotta get out of here
Get away from my foe

Cos I’m trouble
With a capital D
Yeah I’m trouble
Best stay away from me

If I’m on your planet
Disaster’s not far behind
But don’t you worry
I fix what trouble I find

But I’m Trouble
With a capital D
I’m the Doctor
Best stay away from me

As Joe played a brief coda, the Doctor began clapping and laughing.

“Brilliant! I don’t think anyone’s ever written me a song before. Certainly not the Blues, anyway. Thank you Joe.”



Jack looked over at the sleeping form lying next to him and sighed. Not that he was regretting anything – Anyanka had gone without for a very long time and needy sex was always great in Jack’s experience. On top of that, she was really aggressive and unbelievably flexible. It was just that she had a few… kinks that Jack wasn’t entirely comfortable with.

Even with his enlightened 51st Century attitude towards sex, he had to admit this was the first time he’d been with a Vengeance Demon. And how exactly did you leave a vengeance demon? All in all, it wasn’t one of his most intelligent decisions.

He flashed one of his smiles at her when he realised that she had woken up. She smiled back seductively and walked her fingers playfully down Jack’s bare stomach.

“I thought we might try disembowelment this time,” she said in a tone that Jack assumed was intended as playful, but which came off as threatening. He shivered involuntarily, but he was still smiling and Anyanka must have interpreted it as a shiver of anticipation because she let out a girlish giggle that disturbed Jack more than anything else.

“Oh my, is that the time? I have to go, but it’s been…surreal. We really have to do this again sometime. I’m busy for the next century or so, but who knows…” Jack yammered as he leapt out of bed and legged it toward the door, grabbing his clothes as he went.

He paused at the door to pull on his trousers and turned to flash a smile at Anyanka.

“Seriously, this was fun. I’ll call you,” he said. He pulled the door open and practically ran out of the room.

Anyanka scowled and muttered,



And as a bonus fic, because my cracky little brain went there:

“Oh this is just perfect,” Anya muttered.

“I told you it said eight people, but you wouldn’t listen,” Ianto pointed out, quite reasonably.

“There’s no point in blaming anybody at this point, although I do rather think that Gwen shouldn’t have eaten that last éclair,” the Doctor interjected, causing Gwen to sputter and spray cake crumbs over him.

“I’m pregnant!” she protested.

“See, so she’s already one and a half people, it isn’t my fault!” Anya said.

Joe Dawson chuckled at that, but Anya shot him a withering glare and he stopped.

“Can’t you just get us out of here?” Oz asked Anya. Anya shook her head. “Not even if one of the girls wished it?”

“Um…maybe? If it perhaps involved someone’s grizzly death?” Anya said hopefully, thinking Oz had spotted a potential loophole.

“Would it still count if the man in question was immortal?” Joe asked thoughtfully. All eyes turned to Methos.

“Well you can count me out of that!” Methos declared and backed away from Anya.

“What about Jack?” Gwen suggested. Ianto thought about this for a moment and turned to address Jack.

“Jack? Jack….? Jack! Stop shagging Faith, we’ve got an idea...”
TheSummoningDark: epic flaily joythe_summoning_d on August 11th, 2009 02:52 pm (UTC)
“Jack? Jack….? Jack! Stop shagging Faith, we’ve got an idea...”

*glee* Please accept this Best Line Ever award XD
Also, poor Methos...
But, I don't want to be a pie,: jay n bobidontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC)

Why thank you very much. :-)
That's Lay-day Snackpants to you, buster.amand_r on August 11th, 2009 02:56 pm (UTC)
cdkjchd;vjodbv;k vq;nd'vpkenv'rkqvnr


BEST EVER! Faith's hidden knife! "I'm all kinds of bendy!" Jack hitting that shit!


Methos delivering Gwen's baby! I HAD NEVER IMAGINED THAT. BRILLIANT.

“So, you’re a Watcher, not the Watcher. That’s something of a relief,” the Doctor said with a grin.

yes yes yes yes!

“I thought we might try disembowelment this time,” she said in a tone that Jack assumed was intended as playful, but which came off as threatening. OH HOLY SHIT. YES.




But, I don't want to be a pie,: slashtasticidontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:34 pm (UTC)
So... you liked it then? *grin*

You are most welcome, come again anytime (as Jack said to Faith *snerk*)
(no subject) - amand_r on August 12th, 2009 12:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
PS - idontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: PS - amand_r on August 11th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
fractured_sunfractured_sun on August 11th, 2009 03:16 pm (UTC)
Excellent, I think the last line's my favourite, but I love them all.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:35 pm (UTC)
Rhi: Katee Sackhoffvipersweb on August 11th, 2009 03:17 pm (UTC)
*snicker* How lovely and cracky. nice little snippets. Also, Oz working for TW is an awesome idea.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: richie smileidontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you :)

It is, isn't it? I may come back to that one day.
(no subject) - aeron_lanart on August 12th, 2009 11:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
layla_aaron: Joyous Rani (me)luscious_words on August 11th, 2009 06:26 pm (UTC)
These made me grin madly.

“Jack? Jack….? Jack! Stop shagging Faith, we’ve got an idea...”

Brill, fuckin' brill. :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
Why, thank you :)
(no subject) - luscious_words on August 12th, 2009 02:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
I will call her George: Faithstrangevisitor7 on August 11th, 2009 07:51 pm (UTC)
LMAO - Those were terrific. Anya likes to kill Jack during sex. I'm not sure how to digest that bit of info; hilarious and yet disturbing.

But clearly the last line is Hall of Fame caliber. Just brilliant
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:38 pm (UTC)
My brain disturbs me sometimes. XD

*blush* Thank you hon. As usual, I just wrote what makes me laugh and hope that it works *grin*.
bugeyedmonsterbugeyedmonster on August 11th, 2009 08:24 pm (UTC)
Loved that last line. That is so Jack and Faith. They'll probably have to throw cold water on those two.

I did rather like Joe's song for the Doctor. That was cute. And the Doctor had better watch it, Joe likes history. I can see him giving the Doctor a few drinks and asking for more stories. Had Joe been a bit younger, I could easily see Joe wanting to travel with the Doctor.

Anya killing Jack during sex- funny and very disturbing.

Really enjoyed these fics!

But, I don't want to be a pie,: richie smileidontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you hon.

Hmm, yes Joe would make a rather good Companion. It would make a good AU but I'm not very good at Joe's voice, perhaps someone else will take the bunny?
(no subject) - aeron_lanart on August 12th, 2009 11:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - aeron_lanart on August 12th, 2009 10:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Kay: tw - j/i kisssilvercobwebs on August 11th, 2009 09:44 pm (UTC)
I ♥ your brilliant bendy twisty mind. :D
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on August 11th, 2009 09:52 pm (UTC)
SRSLY? Cos it scares the crap out of me *grin*

Thanky kindly, making people smile is my raison d'etre. Or something like that. :)

And that icon...*grabs a fan*
Timberwolf: holby city -- doctor dan clifford aka metimberwolfoz on August 12th, 2009 12:23 am (UTC)
*snickers* When you said Oz and Ianto Jones, my first thought was Oz Clarke. The mind boggles.

And Methos delivering Gwen's baby was sheer genius. Though I was surprised his name this go-round wasn't Ben Pierce.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: painty methosidontlikegravy on August 27th, 2009 12:11 am (UTC)
Though I was surprised his name this go-round wasn't Ben Pierce.

I'm saving that for my Methos/MASH fic that I will write one day. It's actually started, in my WIP folder, it taunts me daily.

my first thought was Oz Clarke *snorfle* That would have been a very different fic XD
jolinar_rosha: Vala sillyjolinar_rosha on August 12th, 2009 09:04 am (UTC)
Methos should have expected that the situation would turn that way, he really should. >evil grin<

well, at least he's got several hundred years' worth of experience as a doctor. :-P
But, I don't want to be a pie,: painty methosidontlikegravy on August 27th, 2009 12:12 am (UTC)
Yup, Gwen's in safe(ish) hands. :)

soz for the late reply btw, it seems LJ ate some of my notifications and I've only just noticed. *headdesk*
The other Weird Al: Torchwood - Jack where he belongsaeron_lanart on August 12th, 2009 11:03 pm (UTC)
Hee! Love them all, but...

All kinds of bendy *snigger*

Which explains the last line - as if it needed explaining.

But, I don't want to be a pie,: vogonidontlikegravy on August 27th, 2009 12:18 am (UTC)

Bloody LJ ate my notifications and I've only just noticed. grr.

Glad you enjoyed them, I'm never sure when I give my brain free rein what's going to happen, but I figured that in this case I should just go with it *grin*

Oh and in reply to your other comments, yes Joe could be a companion at any age, and that bit of Indiscretions would be perfect, but I really do have a lousy Joe voice.

I probably will try and put Oz in Torchwood, one day, but my WIP folder is getting ridiculously large so it is definitely a back burner for now (unless someone were to specifically request it for a birthday fic in the meantime). So you can take your bunnies away now, thank you. ;-p
kateri_e: Captain Jackkateri_e on September 2nd, 2009 05:07 pm (UTC)
“Jack? Jack….? Jack! Stop shagging Faith, we’ve got an idea...”

ROFLMAO! I almost spewed my coffee on the keyboard when I read that. Great pick me up!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: withnail whoidontlikegravy on September 5th, 2009 02:15 pm (UTC)
Glad to be of service ;-)

If it's any consolation, I almost snorted coffee when I read your icon XD
(no subject) - kateri_e on September 5th, 2009 03:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)