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19 May 2007 @ 11:27 pm
Doctor Who/Red Dwarf Crossover  
The TARDIS is having one of her 'senior moments' and has sent the Doctor three million light years from Earth, in the process interrupting Lister's poker night.

This is set during Red Dwarf V so spoilers appropriate up to that point, and with the 10th Doctor just before the current series, so post Rose but pre-Martha, hence why he’s alone. I just felt that a woman on board the Dwarf would be too much for Cat to cope with.
Disclaimer: I have absolutely no claim over either the Doctor or Red Dwarf, they belong to Aunty Beeb and Grant Naylor and whoever else actually owns them. If they were mine, then I’d be finding out exactly what Lister can do with Alphabetti Spaghetti in a sandwich with the Doctor. But they aren’t, so I continue to dream and knock out crackfic like this:
Light Years
The TARDIS came to a sudden stop, sending the Doctor crashing into a wall. He regained his feet, followed by his composure, and bounded over to the central console. He examined a monitor and grew puzzled. 

“Well now, that can’t be right.” He twiddled a few dials and pulled a few levers before hitting the side of the monitor. “Where have you brought me old girl? What are you up to?” He walked to the door and poked his head out, and was briefly surprised to find himself in a corridor painted a depressing shade of grey.
“Intruder alert. Intruder alert.” Lister and Rimmer were sat playing cards, with Kryten acting as Rimmer’s hands. They completely ignored Holly and continued with their game. “Oi! Doesn’t anybody care that there’s an intruder on board?”

“Of course there is Holly.” Lister replied, not even looking up from his cards.

“Just like the last time. What was it then?” Rimmer sniped as he indicated to Kryten which card to lay down.

“My socks.”

“That’s right! Lister’s socks. And the time before that?”

“The Cat’s smegging bowl of krispies.”

“Well, you can’t blame me for that, they weren’t there ten minutes before.” Holly opined.

“No, because I’d just poured them for him.”

“Yes well, this time it’s a real intruder. I’m not sure exactly what it is cos my screens aren’t working properly, but there is something there that shouldn’t be there and it’s alive.”


“Oh smeg, not aliens again Rimmer. There is no such thing.”

“Mock me all you like Listy, one day you’ll be eating those words.”

“If I might suggest sirs, we ought to check it anyway. Holly might be right this time.” Kryten suggested. Holly nodded enthusiastically in agreement, her blonde hair rocking comically before Kryten continued, “There’s an old binary saying that is appropriate here, zero one zero one, one, one…”

“Okay Kryters, I’ll grab Cat and we’ll check it out. Smegging hell, I had a full house an’ all.” 

“I thought we were playing rummy?” Rimmer said as he and Lister both left the room, leaving Kryten, who was still jabbering away in binary.

“….which roughly translated means…oh! Sirs! Wait up!” 


“It’s a big blue box with police written on the top.” Kryten observed.

“Maybe it’s the air pollution police come to arrest Listy for his crimes against humanity. I knew those curries would catch you up eventually.” Rimmer sneered. Lister simply contorted his face into a sarcastic smile before beginning to examine the box.

“Maybe it’s the fashion police come to arrest Rimmer for his crimes against humanity.” Cat quipped, his mind as ever on one thing.

“It seems to just be a wooden box. Hol, are you sure this is alive?” Lister called out to the computer as he stretched out a hand.

“Don’t touch it!” Rimmer shouted, making Lister jump about three feet in the air. “What if it is alive? Remember the polymorph?”

“Scans confirm Dave, that box is alive.” Holly’s voice said from a tannoy. 

At that moment, the door opened, causing the four to take a step backwards, and for those who could touch to raise their bazookoids.

A head belonging to a reasonably attractive young man poked out, followed closely by the rest of his body. He seemed like a perfectly ordinary, if somewhat dishevelled, human being. Rimmer looked crestfallen at the stranger’s appearance. The others all lowered their weapons, although they remained cautious. They weren’t exactly aching to be fooled by another polymorph. The man was dressed in a crumpled brown pinstripe suit and a long overcoat in a lighter shade of brown, which he had matched with a pair of tennis shoes. The Cat’s nose wrinkled at the incongruous outfit, but at something else too.

“He don’t smell right.” Cat said, raising his bazookoid again. Kryten scanned the stranger with the Medi-scan.

“Mr. Cat is right sirs. This person has two heartbeats. He isn’t human.” Kryten said in full awe-mode. Rimmer triumphantly punched the air.

“An alien!” Rimmer exclaimed, a broad smug smile breaking out on his face. The stranger grinned back at him with equal excitement.

“That’s right. I’m the Doctor, pleased to meet you…?”

Rimmer snapped to attention and gave the Doctor his Full Double Rimmer Salute, both hands rotating seven times before snapping smartly to the side of his head. The Doctor stifled a laugh, but it was difficult when he saw that the others were all smirking at the strange display. 

“First Technician Arnold J Rimmer, acting Captain of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel Red Dwarf. On behalf of Earth I offer our most humble peaceful greetings and I hope that our two species can begin a mutually beneficial relationship that will be mutually…beneficial…to both of us.”

“Rimmer, stop before you do yourself an injury.” Lister chipped in before Rimmer could start the 127 stanzas of the Space Corps anthem. “Hi, I’m Dave Lister, this is Kryten, and the Cat.”

“Hmm, Felix Sapiens if I’m not mistaken.” The Doctor said, “Haven’t seen one of you for a while. And an old series 4000 mechanoid, wow! So you’re from Earth? You’re a long way from home, how did you get here?”

“That, Doctor, is a very long story.”
Thanks for all the feedback I've received. As a consequence there is now a Part II here. Remember, you asked for it. ;p
she who is the teller of tales: nine - gleelyl_devil on May 19th, 2007 11:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, this was great. I especially love Rimmer in all his anally-repressed goodness.

“Oi! Doesn’t anybody care that there’s an intruder on board?”

Fabulous! I love Holly. *G*
But, I don't want to be a pie,: specsidontlikegravy on May 19th, 2007 11:13 pm (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed. :)
tinrattinrat on May 20th, 2007 06:08 am (UTC)
I've tasted blood and I want more, More, MORE!!!

Ooops, wrong fandom.

Hey, there's an idea. How far is RD from the planet Transsexual in the galaxy of Transylvania? Has the Doctor ever been there?
But, I don't want to be a pie,: bunnyidontlikegravy on May 20th, 2007 10:53 am (UTC)
Good grief! And I thought I'm twisted. Well I am, but that's besides the point.
Well they did miss out on the planet of the nymphomaniacs....;p
Hmm, the Doctor and the Transylvanians now there's an idea. I think Jack would have to be along for that one don't you? XD
Kay: this is not a daffodil -- purple alert!silvercobwebs on May 20th, 2007 09:17 pm (UTC)
Hee. : )

I hope that our two species can begin a mutually beneficial relationship that will be mutually…beneficial…to both of us.”

Heh - I can absolutely hear Rimmer saying that.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: bunnyidontlikegravy on May 20th, 2007 09:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Arnold Judas Rimmer, master of eloquence. ;p

Glad you liked.

Love the iris. Oops, it appears many wurlitzers are missing from my vocabulary. :)
(Anonymous) on May 30th, 2007 09:59 am (UTC)
Light Years
Please don't leave this hanging here! Let's try to get something going here, huh?! This has potentional! I'm not even a user, and yet I'm still posting! Go for it!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: bunnyidontlikegravy on May 30th, 2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Light Years
Don't Panic! oh, sorry wrong fandom.

Seriously though, it will be going somewhere. I am finishing off my L World crossover ASAP and a Highlander fic I'm in the middle of and then it is next on the list. Promise. :)

Bugger, just realised I still haven't got a RD icon. Must do that. After learn Esperanto.
Kat: Slappedspacemonkey_27 on June 3rd, 2007 02:18 am (UTC)
I'm just now getting to read this and it's fabulous. Doctor Who and Red Dwarf, who'da thunk it.

Now I'm off to read part two.

Rimmer snapped to attention and gave the Doctor his Full Double Rimmer Salute, both hands rotating seven times before snapping smartly to the side of his head.

I miss the Rimmer salute.
(Anonymous) on June 22nd, 2007 12:03 am (UTC)
Doctor Who/Red Dwarf crossover Light Years
I don't usually go for Doctor Who/Red Dwarf crossovers,
but this really floored me.My God!I never thought I'd really be saying this,but Bethan,you'be managed to get the perfect balance between comedy and sci-fi with Doctor Who and Red Dwarf, without making it risible. For this I thank you. I can just see this making it on to TV, seriously.I loved Listy's quip,"Oh smeg, not aliens again,Rimmer. There is no such thing". He seems to forget that Cat is an alien. Or maybe he forgot to watch Doctor Who in 2005. Then he'd have known that aliens did exist. Or, more likely his TV was disconnectedfor not paying his TV licence,while Rimmer was probably a big Doctor Who fan who did pay his TV licence. This is terrific, and I mean it. I do not use the word lightly. More, more, more please!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on June 22nd, 2007 02:05 pm (UTC)
Re: Doctor Who/Red Dwarf crossover Light Years
Thanks for vote of confidence. More is incoming in the very near future. :)
The other Weird Alaeron_lanart on July 19th, 2007 09:21 am (UTC)
Oh this is wonderful! I'll be watching for more. You've managed to catch everyone's voices (and salutes) well.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on July 19th, 2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
*g* Thank you. Part 3 needed to be dragged from me but I'm hoping that Part 4 will arrive with a little more speed. :)
magicamethyst80magicamethyst80 on September 11th, 2007 09:44 pm (UTC)
Adorably done, I've only seen a few episodes of Red Dwarf, but it certainly makes for some interesting humorous Doctor Who crossovers.

I'm a walking doodle: doodlemad_jaks on September 12th, 2007 07:29 am (UTC)
Random comment before I even start reading. The juxtaposition of your Methos icon and ljname has me giggling - bearing in mind his and Duncan's thoughts on Darius's redipes.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: methos 2idontlikegravy on September 12th, 2007 06:08 pm (UTC)
Tommy-toe Toasty: RD - computer lovequeen_fiend on August 10th, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
Hi, I followed your link from 20yearsofdwarf. Great story. I don't think I've ever read a Doctor Who/Red Dwarf crossover before and I really enjoyed it. :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on August 10th, 2008 07:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much :)

There aren't too many about, I've seen a couple at ff.net but that's it. No fandom is safe from crossover when I'm around tho *eg*

That icon is smegtastic btw
(Anonymous) on September 24th, 2008 04:08 am (UTC)
not enough of the 4th doctor thouhg all my esteem
But, I don't want to be a pie,: 10 & 5idontlikegravy on September 30th, 2008 06:59 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately I'm too young for the 4th Doctor, 5 was my first Doctor and in this instance 10 fitted better. :)