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20 March 2008 @ 11:03 pm
Death Takes a Holiday - A Highlander Crossover Fic  

This is an idea, a bunny that just wouldn't let me be.

Disclaimer: Nothing that you recognise is mine, it all belongs to other wonderful people.
 

Death takes a holiday
 
It was dark and silent in Methos’ apartment, as it often is at night, and, because it was twelve o’clock, the clock struck midnight[1]. Methos stirred in his bed, and awoke. He was never one to believe in the supernatural, but something, perhaps a finely honed survival instinct, made him look down at the end of the bed. There, floating some seven or so feet from the floor, were two blue pinpricks. Methos rubbed his eyes, but they did not disappear. He moved one hand to the light switch and the other to the revolver under his pillow, and then turned on the light.
 
YOU SHOULD GET ONE OF THOSE CLAPPING THINGS, a voice from the end of the bed said amiably. Ostensibly it came from the figure at the end of the bed, but as that was an eight foot tall skeleton, and its jaw hadn’t moved, Methos wasn’t entirely certain that was the case. He just had the general impression that the skeleton had spoken to him.
 
“You mean a clapper? Not very good for surprising sneak thieves,” Methos pointed out. The skeleton nodded, conceding the point. “Now, who are you and what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?” Methos demanded.
 
YOU KNOW WHO I AM
 
“No, I know who you think you are,” Methos replied, rationality desperately trying to maintain a grasp on his rapidly slipping sanity. This couldn’t actually be who he thought it was, that was ridiculous, but then, that Voice… “I have to admit, the costume’s good. I can’t see the joins, must have cost a fortune; and the voice is…”
 
I AM DEATH. I HAVE COME FOR YOU
 
“Pull the other one, it’s got bells on. A: you don’t exist and B: the last person on earth you would come for is me[2].”
 
FOR TOO LONG YOU HAVE USED MY NAME, PASSED YOURSELF OFF AS DEATH INCARNATE.
 
“Ah, well about that…” Methos began.
 
THERE MUST BE A RECKONING.
 
“Really? A reckoning?” Methos said, pulling the gun from the pillow and aiming it at the intruder. He fired three shots, one in the chest, two in the head. Death looked down at the hole in his robe, then back up at Methos, who simply shrugged and dropped the gun. “Worth a shot.”
 
AH, A PUNE. HA HA. YOU MUST COME WITH ME NOW.
 
“If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not. There’s an I Love Lucy marathon on cable tonight, and I’ve been meaning to read The Da Vinci Code…”
 
COME.
 
Suddenly, they were no longer in Methos’ apartment; they were standing in a garden. At least, it was trying to be a garden.
 
“Now see, this is exactly why I don’t sleep naked anymore,” Methos sniped, grateful for the pyjamas. Wherever he was, it was cold. And strangely monochrome. “What is this place? It’s like I’ve fallen out of Oz and into Kansas,” he said. Death looked at him. Methos wasn’t sure but he thought that the skeleton looked confused. “And people complain I don’t get pop-culture references.”
 
THIS IS MY HOUSE.
 
“Oh! Lovely, bijou little place it is too. Why are we here?”
 
Death didn’t answer, but instead strode toward a stable. He walked into the building and past several stalls. Confused, Methos followed. They reached the final stall, where a fine white stallion was housed.
 
“And Death rode a pale horse,” Methos said, almost in a whisper.
 
HIS NAME IS BINKY.
 
“Of course it is,” Methos said, suppressing a laugh.
 
I GENERALLY USE THE SCYTHE, BUT YOU MAY PREFER THE SWORD AS IT IS MORE FAMILIAR.
 
“Well yes…wait a minute, what sword?”
 
I AM TAKING A HOLIDAY. YOU WILL BE FILLING IN FOR ME. ALBERT KNOWS EVERYTHING, HE WILL HELP YOU.
 
“What! You want me to do your job? Are you mad?”
 
YOU USED THE NAME. NOW YOU MUST DO THE JOB THAT GOES WITH IT.
 
“But that was a long time ago. I’m not you, I can’t transport people from one place to another, or do that spooky voice of yours.”
 
THE ESSENCE IS IN THE NAME. THE NAME IS YOURS SO YOU ARE DEATH.
 
NO I’M NOT. “Er, I mean, no I’m bloody well not!” Methos replied, scaring himself slightly. “I rejected that name, that’s not who I am.”
 
YES IT IS. YOU WILL GET USED TO IT. I WILL ONLY BE GONE A CENTURY OR SO.
 
“What!?”
 
TIME MOVES DIFFERENTLY HERE. IT WILL NOT BE AS LONG FOR YOU. BESIDES, YOU ARE IMMORTAL. THE GAME CANNOT TOUCH YOU HERE. Death reasoned. Methos thought about this for a moment. GOODBYE. And Death vanished.
 
“No! Wait! You haven’t explained…” Methos began, but stopped when he realised he was taking to thin air. He looked around him. “Now what?” he asked Binky. Binky just stood there chewing his hay. “Fat lot of use you are.”
 
With that, Methos stalked out of the stable and headed for the house. Now, what was that name? he thought, Oh yes. ALBERT, YOU’VE GOT A BLOODY LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO!
 
 


[1] Although this is not always the case. In some parts of the multiverse they have no concept of time at all. In others the hours of the day are asymmetrical so there is no midnight, instead they call it parrot. But the strangest of all is probably the universe where they believe that the clock striking twelve is cause and not effect and so, in hopes of extending their lives, they have not let a clock strike in over four hundred years. Needless to say, Death still keeps regular business hours in that universe.

[2] Actually, this isn’t true. The last person on Earth that Death will come in person for is a Mrs Ethel Buffer of Crapstone in Devon in the year 2675. She will be the last person to believe in the personification of Death as a skeleton with a scythe. Everyone after that will be processed by a giant hedgehog named Phil.

The insanity continues in Part Two
 
 
 
Jennifer/Gail: Methos_Sleeplferion on March 20th, 2008 11:24 pm (UTC)
Oh dear, poor Methos!

(I love the footnotes)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: deathidontlikegravy on March 20th, 2008 11:37 pm (UTC)
I do love putting him in unfamiliar situations, just to see if he copes or not. *eg*

Thanks, I'm glad you liked, I wanted to try and capture the feel of a Discworld novel, but I wasn't sure if the footnotes would work on LJ.
The other Weird Al: Discworld - DEATHaeron_lanart on March 20th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
CONTINUE OR YOU WILL REGRET IT

This is marvellous, brought a huge smile to my face! More soon? *g*

seven or so foot from the floor should that be feet? Other than that there is nothing bad that is jumping out at me.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: librarianidontlikegravy on March 20th, 2008 11:40 pm (UTC)
Ah, yes, quite right. Thank you. *toddles off to rectify*

*sighs huge sigh of relief* I was worried that it was only funny to me, so phew! Happy you like it, and more will be coming. Just as soon as Richie and Wolverine get their arses in gear so I can finish Immortal X.
(no subject) - sophiedb on March 20th, 2008 11:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - idontlikegravy on March 20th, 2008 11:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sophiedb on March 21st, 2008 09:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
Kay: horsemen -- apocalypse thensilvercobwebs on March 21st, 2008 12:14 am (UTC)
omg! *loves* - is my official, carefully considered, elegant response. ; )
But, I don't want to be a pie,: painty methosidontlikegravy on March 21st, 2008 12:42 am (UTC)
With one comment you have reduced me to a fit of giggles from which I may never recover. Thank you :) *bounces*
I will call her George: Abby and Tony - Yea baby!strangevisitor7 on March 21st, 2008 12:38 am (UTC)
This was hilarious. And this is coming from someone who has read 1 Discworld novel so I know very little of that world but I loved this. You completely capture the snarkyness of Methos and the irreverence of the the entire situation. (felt very hitchhiker's galaxy to me in tone) So much love to footnote #2 - still snickering. bravo!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: jay n bobidontlikegravy on March 21st, 2008 12:44 am (UTC)
Thank you muchly :) *bounces*

I was genuinely worried that this was possibly unfunny, so I'm over the moon that it works.
(no subject) - strangevisitor7 on March 21st, 2008 12:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - idontlikegravy on March 21st, 2008 01:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
Rivanarivana on March 21st, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
Can I just say that I loved the footnotes best of all -gave me a right laugh they did. :-)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
Glad to be of service.

Thanks for reading and for commenting, hope you come back for more. :)
she who is the teller of tales: methoslyl_devil on March 22nd, 2008 04:23 am (UTC)
Oh, excellent! Poor Methos, pressed into service! Fab!!

Please tell me there will be more?
But, I don't want to be a pie,: painty methosidontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 01:21 am (UTC)
Oh absotively! The general response has been for more, so more there shall be. :)

Yummy PW icon btw.
Full Circlesteelvictory on March 23rd, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
That was very cute, thank you for sharing. :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: methos 2idontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 01:22 am (UTC)
Thanks for reading :)
Rhi: nap timevipersweb on March 23rd, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
*giggle* *snort* I love this - fantastically funny, from the concept to the horse's name to the footnotes. Brill!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: deathidontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 01:23 am (UTC)
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. The footnotes and Binky's name aren't my idea tho, those are pure Pratchett.
Ninjababe: Calvin-Innocentninjababe on March 23rd, 2008 01:22 am (UTC)
Yes! I love this!

I especially loved the Oz/Kansas joke... And, it isn't a true discworld story without the wonderful footnotes! Phil! Bwahahahahaha!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: librarianidontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 01:25 am (UTC)
Thank you! *bounces* Hope you come back for the rest :) (once I've written it of course)
(no subject) - ninjababe on March 25th, 2008 04:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
tygermamatygermama on March 23rd, 2008 06:44 am (UTC)
Some of the crackiest crack that ever cracked
*squees with glee*

Poor Methos, Poor Albert having to put up with cranky Methos

who may possibly meet Susan soon? perhaps?

or maybe Methos will just abuse the power of his new position by messing with Duncan, a lot.

You. Are. Brilliant.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: jay n bobidontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)
Re: Some of the crackiest crack that ever cracked
*blush*

Thank you very much, although I think I need a pin for my ego before it's too big *g*

Ooh, fab ideas, ta muchly :)
PS - idontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
LizMliz_mo on March 23rd, 2008 08:44 am (UTC)
Great job!! Have only read 3 Discworld novels so far, but you get Pratchett's style well.
Saw no grammatical or other glaring errors that weren't pointed out already.

And OF Course DEATH would be pissed *rotfl*

Such a great idea!
Please continue this!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: deathidontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 09:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much, I'm so pleased this is getting such a great reception. *beams*

More is en route, I promise :)
nenagh_breen: Yay OMG! Kirmitnenagh_breen on March 23rd, 2008 02:19 pm (UTC)
So freaking hysterical!! That was so awesome. I really love how Methos kept slipping into caps and freaking himself out. Your notes were perfect! Great job!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: painty methosidontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 09:49 pm (UTC)
*does impression of kermit in your icon*

Thank you very much!

That icon is made of teh awesome btw. Would you mind terribly if I snagged it?
(no subject) - nenagh_breen on March 31st, 2008 02:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - idontlikegravy on March 31st, 2008 07:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Kelinci Hutan: Methos laughkelincihutan on March 23rd, 2008 05:08 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha. This is amazing. And I can so see poor Methos being all long-suffering and put-upon. And I've never even read a single discworld book, but I can picture all of this very well.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: painty methosidontlikegravy on March 23rd, 2008 09:51 pm (UTC)
Oh thank you, it's especially good to know it works for those who don't know the Discworld too. I'm happy you enjoyed it, and hope you come back for more :)
Kat: Deathdarkjediprinces on March 24th, 2008 02:18 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. BRILLIANT. JUST BRILLIANT.

</Caps lock of d00m>

More please? :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: deathidontlikegravy on March 27th, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU er, I mean thank you! Happy to raise a smile :)

The general consensus seems to demand more, and I'm nothing if not obliging, so more will be on its way ASAP.

Edited at 2008-03-30 12:33 am (UTC)
Lurker on the runlita_of_jupiter on March 24th, 2008 02:20 am (UTC)
This was so Discworldian!
I loved it, and I really wish to see Methos as acting Death!
the deaths were my favorite chars of the books!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: painty methosidontlikegravy on March 27th, 2008 06:59 pm (UTC)
That's great to hear, I hope you come back for more. Part two is in the works as I type. (well not literally, obviously, because I can't type this and that at the same time, I'm not the Librarian)
(no subject) - lita_of_jupiter on March 27th, 2008 07:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)