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04 January 2009 @ 07:29 pm
A Red Dwarf Crossover  
One is the Loneliest Number

ninjababeis completely to blame for this ridiculous bunny, however inadvertently. Let it serve as a warning to all that you should be careful what you show me. Also, completely unbeta’d, so any and all comments welcome.

Disclaimer: None of it’s mine, not one little bit, I’m just having some fun.

A/N: This is set about ten years after Dave woke from stasis, but it’s AU from the end of series 6, so there’s none of that whole ‘Dave is his own father’ thing, nanites didn’t eat and then resurrect the ship, fake Kochanski stayed in her own reality and Rimmer is still a smeghead. The boys have successfully found the Dwarf and things are as they should be. Until…

The Cat’s screams could be heard echoing along the corridor five minutes before he came bursting into the bunk room. Rimmer glanced at him in the mirror before returning to examining his reflection. Lister looked up from the magazine he was reading, concerned about his friend.

“Cat, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“Something terrible’s happened, bud!” the Cat wailed, panic raising his voice by nearly an octave. Rimmer turned and raised an eyebrow.

“Did one of your suits shrink in the wash again?” he said dryly. Cat gave him a filthy look before turning back to Lister.

“Look!” he cried, pointing to his head. Lister sat up and stared intently at Cat’s head for a moment before shrugging.

“Nope, sorry, I can’t see what’s wrong,” he said.

“Are you blind?! Look, there’s grey!” the Cat said, gesturing furiously toward his temple. Lister stood and squinted closely at Cat’s hair. “This is a disaster! What’ll I do?”

“For smeg’s sake, Cat, it’s only one hair! I’m amazed you even noticed,” Lister said, trying to stifle a laugh. Rimmer snorted derisively.

“It’s an inevitable part of getting old. Get used to it, you ridiculous feline.”

“Wah! You mean it’ll get worse? Oh my God! Somebody get me a hairstylist!” the Cat wailed before running from the room in search of hair dye.

“Rimmer, have a heart, man. It’s not like you’re ever gonna get older,” Lister pointed out as he returned to his bunk.

“And thanks for reminding me. It’s not easy being dead, you know.”

“Smeg off, Rimmer. Now you’ve got your hard-light bee, you can touch again, with the added bonus you’re practically indestructible,” Lister said.

The two lapsed back into silence, and Lister returned his attention to the women’s mud wrestling article. He was so engrossed that he didn’t notice that Rimmer was staring at him with a thoughtful look on his face.

“You know, you don’t have any grey,” Rimmer pointed out, stepping closer to his bunkmate.

“Good genes, I guess. Wouldn’t know, would I?” Lister replied absently.

“Oh, that’s right. You were found under a pool table.”

Lister nodded noncommittally, his attention still on the article. Rimmer sat on a chair and continued to regard Lister. Eventually Lister became aware of Rimmer’s gaze and he looked up.


“When were you found in that box?” Rimmer asked.

Lister suddenly didn’t like the direction this was taking, and he shifted uncomfortably in the bunk.

“When I was a baby.”

“Yes, but when? What year?”

Smegging hell, thought Lister. He’d hoped they wouldn’t need to have this conversation for a long time to come. He could dodge this time, but no matter how stupid he was sooner or later Rimmer would start asking questions. Sooner or later he’d need to know the truth.

Dave knew it was inevitable the day that he awoke from stasis after three million years and he was left with only Rimmer and Holly for company (or so he’d thought at the time). It was one of the reasons he’d been so annoyed about having his bunkmate resurrected as a hologram. Not the primary reason, but certainly one of them.


There had been a close call in the early days, when the Cat was still too self-centred to spend any real time with Lister. Dave spent more time with Rimmer then, and they were playing the Locker Game. Lister was too busy laughing his arse off because a pile of women’s underwear had just fallen through Rimmer, so Arnold took the opportunity to take another turn.

“I want that one,” Rimmer said, pointing at locker 169.

“Oh, Rimmer, let’s stop now. Even I can only watch you humiliated so many times.”

“Open it,” Rimmer demanded.

“But I’m smegging bored!”

“I’m sorry, am I keeping you from tea with the Queen? I thought not. So open it!”

“Okay, but you don’t want that one. Seriously, Rimmer, I know whose locker that is, and all you’ll get is a nasty surprise,” Lister advised. Rimmer raised an eyebrow.

“Indeedy? I get your game, matey. There’s something really good in there, and you want it for yourself. Open it!” Rimmer demanded again. Lister shrugged, knowing it was no good trying to convince him. Dave put the chisel to the lock and struck down with the mallet.

As the door swung open, Rimmer peered inside. There, propped against the side of the locker, was a large medieval looking sword. Rimmer frowned, disappointed.

“What kind of psychopath would bring a smegging sword aboard? Whose locker is this?” Rimmer asked incredulously. Lister didn’t answer. Fortunately, that was when Holly announced that the post had arrived.


The next close call had come some years later when Kryten had been playing with some of the experiments in the science lab. Lister had been badly burned when he knocked over a beaker of acid. By the time Rimmer reached the medical bay, he was completely healed. Rimmer readily accepted the explanation that Lister had only spilled water on himself and left, muttering something about ‘trusting Doctor Bog-bot.’

“Thanks for not denying my explanation, Kryten,” Lister said, turning to the droid.

“I knew you must have your reasons, sir. But I know what I saw. You were badly injured. How is that possible?”

And that was the day Kryten discovered the truth.


“So, what year were you found in that box?” Rimmer pressed.
Lister sighed, weighing up his options, as Rimmer continued to stare at him, waiting for an answer. Rimmer would find out the truth, one day, and he’d be monumentally smegged off at Lister for lying all that time when he did. They potentially had all eternity together, Lister, Rimmer and Kryten, and Dave wanted it to be as pleasant a hell as possible. Lister made a decision and answered Rimmer’s question.

“I can’t remember the year exactly, Rimmer. But I was twenty-five when I joined Red Dwarf. Do the math.”


Ten Years Earlier

“How long was I in stasis, Hol?”

“Three million years.”

Lister shook his head as he processed Holly’s words. He’d thought himself oh so very clever when he joined Red Dwarf. He’d carefully crafted the character of Dave Lister, space bum, and signed on to the lowly position of Third Technician. The role offered no chance for advancement, but Dave Lister didn’t want to rise up through the ranks. He was content to be the lowest of the low.

All he wanted to do was hide out on the deep space haulage runs between Jupiter and Earth and stay out of the way of the others until he had no choice. He was sick and tired of the Game but he knew he couldn’t stay away forever. After all, there can be only One.

Lister nearly laughed aloud at the thought,
Only One. Were there any left? Was he the One? He didn’t think so; he thought he’d feel different somehow if he’d won the Prize. But if the human race was extinct, if Earth had blown up, then surely even an Immortal couldn’t survive that.

Three million years. The number had freaked even him out at first, despite being four thousand years old before he went into stasis. Three million was difficult to comprehend, even for an Immortal.


The Beginning

Sophie: Red Nosesophiedb on January 4th, 2009 07:38 pm (UTC)

Clearly the key to surviving The Game is a love of beer.. and curry.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on January 4th, 2009 07:52 pm (UTC)
bugeyedmonsterbugeyedmonster on January 4th, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC)
Oh, now there's an interesting crossover....

But, I don't want to be a pie,: flibbleidontlikegravy on January 4th, 2009 07:54 pm (UTC)
Never let it be said I was afraid of the crack!side ;-)

It's all due to an icon ninjababe used on my last post.
Kay: blackadder -- books and coverssilvercobwebs on January 4th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)
Hee, very fun :)

To be honest I half expected you to end with:

'How long have I been in stasis, Hol?'

'Twenty minutes, Dave. Stasis broke after that. You spend the next few million years scratching your arse like a right prat.'
But, I don't want to be a pie,: messidontlikegravy on January 4th, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC)

Oh I should have. That's a much better ending! XD
Ith: Grey's - Ruler of All Evilithildyn on January 4th, 2009 08:08 pm (UTC)
Believe me, it's always ninjababe's fault! [weg]
But, I don't want to be a pie,: string theoryidontlikegravy on January 4th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
Ith: Quote - No Good Deedithildyn on January 4th, 2009 08:11 pm (UTC)
That was much fun!! And a perfect outcome of the icon.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: richie smileidontlikegravy on January 4th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
Rhi: ambitionvipersweb on January 4th, 2009 08:21 pm (UTC)
*snicker* Oh gods! This works beautifully!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on January 4th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
*beams* Thank you very much.
kateri_e: methoscrapkateri_e on January 4th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
LOL, oh that's fantastic!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: richie smileidontlikegravy on January 4th, 2009 08:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
(Deleted comment)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: jay n bobidontlikegravy on January 5th, 2009 07:12 pm (UTC)
wow, thank you *bounces*
orockthro: Newkirk's Victoryorockthro on January 4th, 2009 09:31 pm (UTC)
This is amazing! I love the close calls and how, even in the end, Lister doesn't really tell anything.
"Do the math."
Someday, Rimmer will. xD You should write that day too.
Thanks for writing and posting! This was a delightful afternoon snack. <3
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on January 5th, 2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you for reading and commenting, I'm pleased you enjoyed it. Whenever I go to the crack, I'm always worried nobody will follow *grin*
Ninjababe: HL-Listerninjababe on January 5th, 2009 05:24 am (UTC)

I was the cause of fic! [beam]

And, I had totally forgotten that he was found under a pool table... It makes so much sense! :)

I loved this story. You got all the characters down pat. From Rimmer being snarky and pouty, to the Cat running in, complaining, then running out... And, even Lister's current 'persona' as a slob.

After all, you can live for thousands of years, be a bad-ass fighter, and still be a drunken slob with a love for a good vindaloo... :)

It's just so cool!

[innocent grin] more? :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: bunny directoridontlikegravy on January 5th, 2009 07:15 pm (UTC)

Pleased I could amuse, and that you liked what you spawned *g*

No plans for more, but I go where the bunnies take me and my RD muse seems to be in high gear (two in one night, I've tripled my Red Dwarf output!), so you never know...
TheSummoningDark: epic flaily joythe_summoning_d on January 5th, 2009 04:16 pm (UTC)
Oooo *stares* This is an awesome idea, and I want more
But, I don't want to be a pie,: flibbleidontlikegravy on January 5th, 2009 07:16 pm (UTC)

Thank you kindly, and who knows where the muse may take me, watch this space....
The other Weird Al: Manga Meaeron_lanart on January 6th, 2009 05:09 pm (UTC)
Four thousand before he joined Red Dwarf? Loves beer?
I wonder who his teacher was? *g*

This is great and made me giggle.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: painty methosidontlikegravy on January 8th, 2009 12:20 am (UTC)
Thank you. And I have no idea what you mean *eg*
slvrcrystalc: red dwarf bugslvrcrystalc on January 8th, 2009 01:52 am (UTC)
If all of Red Dwarf is Crack, would that really make this a Crack!Fic?

Brilliant! I'd hate to be poor Lister,who has 3 million years of life with just Rimmer, Kryten and Holly. Erk. >.<

You know, I never though about the fact that Cat and Lister would die before getting anywhere close to Earth. Well, smeg. =(
But, I don't want to be a pie,: Red Dwarfidontlikegravy on January 11th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed it! I think he would be a complete nutjob if he did have only them as company for all that time! Mind you, it would probably be worse if he didn't have Kryten.

It is a slightly depressing thought, but I like to think that they'd find a colony that had reached deep space and settle down with the five or six women who were right for them. ;-)